quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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