so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
