Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
the raccoons are back...
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