My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
