My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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