My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
