allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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