Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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