I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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