I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
