Nicole vs. Life
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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