I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
