Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
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