Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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