She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
