I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
