Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
