just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
