dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
