I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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