You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
