so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize