Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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