Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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