I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
