remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
This baby is an asshole
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
