it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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