There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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