I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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