he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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