According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He shit in the fireplace
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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