Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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