I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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