So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
