Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
operation harelip BJ is a go
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
