her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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