I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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