The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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