its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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