I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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