I think my vagina is haunted
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
