So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
