Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
