Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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