I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
