You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
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