When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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