There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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