What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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