My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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