Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
