The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
