sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I cut my penus on the lid.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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