sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
