phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
