My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
