kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
we should paint friendship bongs
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