you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
