You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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