Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
