I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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